By Timothy Wan

It is not often that Batman leaves Gotham. The city keeps me busy enough with villains who do not pay their bills. But recently, I found myself in Paris, the city of light! Yes, THAT Paris, where a culinary rodent proves that anyone can cook. The same spirit seemed to have drifted into the courts lately, where apparently anyone can litigate. (ooo, foreshadowing?)

We were retained by a landlord to collect on the unpaid rent against a guarantor of a restaurant that had gone out of business, and the tenant absconded with fixtures owned by the landlord.

When the guarantor, whom I shall refer to as Chef Skinner, was served, he ordered an attorney up. The attorney, whom I shall refer to as Anton Ego, was one I had not encountered before, in Gotham.

Anton filed a bare bones Answer, and did not request any discovery. So, I moved for Summary Judgment, with a full evidentiary feast: the lease, the lease application, the stipulation in housing court to surrender the premises, monthly invoices, and the sworn affidavit of my client. In response, Anton declared that the motion was missing something, and lacked evidence.

So I wrote, perhaps while hungry: “Defendant’s attorney seems to characterize the affirmation of the owner of the Plaintiff, which is the owner of the real property, the lease, the lease application, the stipulation, and the monthly invoices to be somehow lacking in evidentiary weight. Your affirmant herein suggests that this is akin to saying that a six course meal that serves an appetizer, salad, pasta, fish course, meat course, and dessert, is lacking because there was no cheese course served.”

Anton did not have a taste for this response, and attacked me for being flippant.

The Court issued an order in less than a week holding that: “The meal was flawless from start to finish. Every course built upon the last with such balance and confidence that it felt less like dinner and more like art you could taste. Summary Judgment granted, plus statutory interest, costs, and attorneys fees.”

No cheese required. Justice served hot.