We were retained by a client, whom I shall refer to as Dr. Leslie Thompkins. Brilliant, principled, and patient enough to patch up both vigilantes and villains alike, but not patient enough to let $75,000 in unpaid invoices slide, for services rendered to Arkham General Hospital. (Because of course the facility treating Gotham’s criminally insane needs the best traction beds money can buy.)
The defendant’s counsel? None other than Calendar Man. Not Joker crazy, not Riddler cryptic, not vindicative like the Penguin. No, Calendar Man was something more dangerous: obsessed with dates, deadlines, procedures, and the precise measurement of time. The kind of man who color codes his Outlook calendar and rejects settlement language unless it syncs with a lunar eclipse.
We had done the hard part: settled the case for $60,000, lump sum. Dr. Thompkins approved. Calendar Man agreed, on behalf of Arkham General. In theory, all we had to do was paper the deal and collect the cash.
That is when the emails began. An unrelenting wave of technical objections and semantic battles that would make even a Guy Gardner beg for mercy!
Over 27 emails (I counted), we negotiated everything. First, it was the font size on the caption. After we resolved that, I thought we were done. But every time we resolved one issue, he found another.
In our Stipulation of Settlement, default is declared after seven days. The Calendar Man wanted clarification on whether the word “days” meant calendar or business. When I suggested that “days” was calendar days, “We will not sign anything that does not define ‘business day’ with absolute clarity.”
When I included that an electronic or fax of this agreement shall be deemed an original, “We are not comfortable with paragraph 7 unless you agree to remove all references to fax transmission or define what a fax transmission could entail.”
The payment date? “Why is the payment date listed as ‘on or before’? That introduces ambiguity and potential temporal risk.”
I considered calling in Wonder Woman (#IYKYK) just to lasso the truth out of him, or beat him senseless.
But at the end of the day, the stipulation was signed, the funds were wired, and our client got paid. Justice punched the clock.
